Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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