um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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