If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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