I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
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I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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