So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
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Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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