remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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