I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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