My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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