you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need water and some morals
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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