remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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