and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize