I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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