My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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