Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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