He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
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it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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