was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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