You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
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Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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