I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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