New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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