Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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