I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
time to smoke my breakfast
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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