i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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