I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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