Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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