I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
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He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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