Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
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What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
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Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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