So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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