there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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