Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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