I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
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I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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