it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
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Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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