I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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