i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
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I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
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What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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