Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
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I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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