i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize