I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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