I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize