Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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