Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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