I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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