It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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