You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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