complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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