Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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