anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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