Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize