he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
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Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
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