take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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