I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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