SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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